How to Love Your Man Even When He Doesn’t Listen to You


Have you ever found yourself sharing something really close to your heart with your mate, only to realize he or she is far, far away?

Not really listening at all? Ouch!

In my marriage, this has been done to me and, quite frankly, done by me to my husband more times than I can count!

It’s so easy to let the distractions of life interfere, especially in a phone-obsessed world.

It’s so easy to let the distractions of life interfere, especially in a phone-obsessed world. Click To Tweet

We have people nipping at our heels every second of the day, at least when we let our phones do the dictating. Don’t get me started on how this plays out in a household full of children interrupting every adult conversation!

Ever feel like your man is not really listening to you? Ouch! It hurts! So, what do we do? Discover how to love your man even when he doesn't listen to you. #marriage #goodmarriage #listentome #listening

How to Love Your Man Even When He Doesn’t Listen to You

Many years ago, in an effort to stay connected, my hubby and I chose to carve out Friday as our day off. We’ve spent this dedicated day doing fun things together for decades now. So on this particular day, I have a higher than normal expectation to be listened to by my husband.

Though, I will say that I’m never happy to discover he hasn’t been listening to me no matter what or when!

Sadly, we’ve gotten into quite a few fights on our fun and relaxing day off together, because of my inability to really love my spouse when he isn’t listening.

At some point, I realized that I needed to change the way I approached this problem. So here are some steps I now take that have helped me to love my mate when we enter the not-listening-zone.

5 Important Steps to Take When Your Man Doesn’t Listen to You

FirstAssume the Best.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

James 1:19-20

This Scripture makes it very clear that my first responsibility whenever my mate doesn’t listen to me is to be quick to listen to him. After all, there is more than one way to really listen to each other, right?

You and I must listen for what’s not being said but rather demonstrated—always with compassion in place. I’ve discovered that when I do that, I am assuming the best about my mate, rather than the worst.

You and I must listen for what’s not being said but rather demonstrated—always with compassion in place. Click To Tweet

Assuming the worst sounds like: He isn’t listening to me because he doesn’t really love me.

Or worse: He isn’t listening to me because he’s selfish.

But assuming the best sounds like: His mind is cluttered and still distracted on this day off. So I need to give him a break by extending grace to him in this distracted moment.

SecondSlow Your Anger.

This next step flows from the step and verses above. Whenever I’ve assumed the best, I actually slow my anger as well. Imagine that! #squashangerwithcompassion

I dare you to try this! Try remaining angry when you’ve just assumed the best about your mate’s hurtful actions. God uses it to short-circuit the anger in amazing ways!

I dare you to try this! Try remaining angry when you’ve just assumed the best about your mate’s hurtful actions. Click To Tweet

ThirdChoose to Be Patient and Overlook an Offense.

So once I’ve assumed the best and slowed my anger, a natural outflow of this process is the choice to be patient.

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

Proverbs 19:11

Ever feel like your man is not really listening to you? Ouch! It hurts! So, what do we do? Discover how to love your man even when he doesn't listen to you. #marriage #goodmarriage #listentome #listening

Apparently, whenever we do this, we actually show wisdom! How’s that for a lovely bonus?!

In practical terms, I take this verse to mean that I should avoid pointing out to my husband that he’s not listening to me the very first time he does this. Maybe not even pointing it out the second or third time.

FourthPrayerfully Deal with Any Bitterness.

Whenever my spouse does not listen to me time after time, I take Jesus’ words to heart :

“ . . . First, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Matthew 7:5

I use this as my cue to prayerfully deal with any bitterness I’m likely harboring that’s blocking my view. This not only helps me to genuinely overlook the offense (Step 3) but also determines and aids my next step, should I need it.

FifthLovingly and Respectfully Confront.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

Matthew 18:15

After prayerfully dealing with any bitterness (Step 4), my heart and mind are in the right place to confront. It is only then that my words can reflect the compassion and patience God has cultivated in my heart for my husband.

If the problem still persists for you, then I would suggest repeating these steps. Always assuming the best, being slow to anger, patiently overlooking an offense, and dealing with any bitterness. And then and only then, lovingly confronting your mate.

Each of these choices and actions gives us a greater ability to love our spouses when they hurt us by not listening to us.

In my case, I truly believe exercising each of these steps, even and especially exercising them over and over, strengthens my love for my husband. Truly, God redeems the hurt you and I experience in our marriages by developing obedience in us that produces the fruit of love for our mates.

God redeems the hurt you and I experience in our marriages by developing obedience in us that produces the fruit of love for our mates. Click To Tweet

Ever feel like your man is not really listening to you? Ouch! It hurts! So, what do we do? Discover how to love your man even when he doesn't listen to you. #marriage #goodmarriage #listentome #listening


About the Author:

Beth and her pastor husband of 31 years are enjoying the early stages of an empty-nest and eagerly anticipating the arrival of their first grandchild in October of 2018!

Beth typically fills her days with blogging, life-coaching, mentoring, as well as speaking at marriage workshops and women’s events. You can catch her hanging out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. To find more of Beth’s insights and posts, head to messymarriage.com, where she offers her e-book, Forgive U, along with 35 other free resources in a subscriber library.



Could you use more encouragement today?

WHEN YOUR GOD AND HIS DON’T LINE UP

HOW TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE THRIVE WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TIME

 



Encouraged by what you read?

Would you share this article with a friend, co-worker, or family member?

Or, maybe you can send it to a friend or family member?

This blog occasionally uses affiliate links and may contain affiliate links. Additionally, Melanie Redd is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. Also, for more on my disclosure policy, click HERE.

© Melanie Redd and Ministry of Hope, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner are strictly prohibited. Further, excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Melanie Redd and Ministry of Hope with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


About helloredds@gmail.com

Blessed wife of Randy for over 25 years, mom to two great college students, blogger, women's ministry coach, speaker and author who is amazed by God's grace-

14 thoughts on “How to Love Your Man Even When He Doesn’t Listen to You

  1. Thank you, Beth, for another great article!

    All your points could be the same for an article about being mature in marriage. I love the Proverbs 9:11 Scripture – “it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” They surely will come. Guess we need to just plan on them and how we should respond!

    1. Thank you, Ann! You’re right! It truly takes maturity and Christlikeness to love when our mate’s hurt us in anyway. Thanks for that great Scripture too. It fits perfectly here.

  2. Great essay, Beth, and the suggestions you give are both uplifting and realistic.

    From the other side of the gender equation, I find that my wife doesn’t listen much to me…because I don’t have much to say that she can really filter through her paradigm.

    Being on the cusp of life and death has changed me; things that mattered a lot in the past are now almost irrelevant when I am a dead man walking, while other, seemingly minor graces are now of supreme importance.

    But it’s almost impossible to get that across, because it’s couched in a viewpoint that few want to examine too closely, that I’m really not resentful of dying. I’m OK with having the opportunity to find joy in each day, and to put aside the frustrations that I now realize were part and parcel of my old, normal life.

    I had tried to describe it, but she wasn’t listening because she couldn’t hear it. And that’s valid.

    1. Yes, Andrew. I can totally see why she would resist hearing that message or even getting close to it. It’s far too painful. But I’m grateful that you’ve extended love and understanding to her in that failure. Love can cover so much more than we might ever imagine–especially when it comes from the Father. Praying you feel listened to by Him, as well as those who listen to your messages each week at your blog, my friend!

    1. I can’t help myself, Kelly! God’s word has been such an anchor for me, that to not use that as my point of reference would be to do my reader a disservice. It’s exactly where I’ve found the wisdom to move forward in these challenge situations. But thank you so much for noticing and encouraging me in that, my friend!

  3. Thank you, Beth, for sharing such practical and important truths for marriage.
    This is a great article for all couples to read!
    I’m blessed by you and your ministry!
    Melanie

    1. You’re more than welcome, Melanie! I just appreciate the opportunity and am blessed to be your friend and fellow-worker in the faith!

  4. Really important tips, Beth! You’re so right about the importance of assuming the best about your spouse and that he isn’t intentionally wanting to hurt you … it’s so much easier to look for what might be hurting them and overlook the offense. Great post!

    1. Yes, that’s been truly a game-changer for me, Deb! We don’t often think of it as “easier” to do this, but it truly is! Better to manage my heart well than to have to go into damage-control of how I’ve hurt my husband’s heart and my relationship with him. Thanks for coming by and encouraging me!

  5. Thank you for your kind words, Rachel! Yes, just doing that subtle shift in our thinking can do wonders for our attitudes. I’m so glad you stopped by to encourage me and Melanie!

  6. Great article, Beth! I have found that believing the best about my spouse, (and any relationship for that matter), truly is a gift. It puts things in perspective and keeps us from jumping to conclusions, which are typically, most often wrong anyway. Thanks for sharing your insight formed from personal experience. This is very solid advice! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.