Paula P · 10/29/2022 at 11:04 AM

This poignant article came up in my Pinterest feed and I want to thank you for sharing your heart and your insights with regard to the state of the American church. What caught my attention was, I too, have sought out the answer to this same question. It breaks my heart to see churches closing, lack of attendance and people not on fire for the things of God and His Word, moreover Jesus. Let’s remember that we must go to God’s Word for the answers we seek and not necessarily what people are telling us to really see what the problem is…

1. The Bible is very clear in what the End Times will look like. Paul addresses this in 2 Timothy Chapter 3. The FIRST earmark of the terrible, last days is that people will be lovers of themselves. Narcissism is at an all-time high with people thinking and feeling that the world revolves around them, what they want, what they think and what people should do for them. This is original sin. This is exactly what Adam and Eve fell for in the Garden of Eden…they wanted to be like God, fallings for satan’s lies and tactics–nothing has changed. What we MUST care about is their eternal salvation, the only cure for narcissism is the blood of Jesus Christ.

2. With that said, if people are saying, “no one cares about me” or “I don’t fit in”, then, perhaps, they are coming to church for the wrong reasons. If we are to obey the greatest commandment, coming to church should be about God first and not self. If we love Him first, then yes, we will love others because as it says in 1 John 4:19…we love BECAUSE He first loved us.

3. Hebrews is very clear as to why we are to come to church. Hebrews 10:25 says…Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–all the more as you see the Day approaching. This one verse of Scripture is power packed with the how and the why. We are to meet together (the body of believers in Jesus Christ), to ENCOURAGE one another and why? Because He is coming back soon. We are beat up, put down, fighting the world and satan’s schemes that we come to church bruised and beat up. We come to worship together corporately, to be encouraged by His Word, to thank Jesus for His shed blood, the most amazing gift God has given us and to encourage one another and build each other up as we wait for His return. Not tear each other down and point out the faults of each other. My Pastor shared with me a saying that I will never forget…”We kill our own”.

4. When people say, “no one cares about me”, they are also being very critical of others. Silently pointing fingers at people, including Pastors and leadership. Anyone in leadership knows that you cannot care about everyone, all the time, in the manner they wish to be cared about. This is simply impossible. Only God Almighty can do that. My heart breaks for Pastors who have to juggle their home life, children, their congregation, writing a sermon, making hospital visits, phone calls, e-mails, etc. Finger pointing (and we all do it because we all blame shift) is part of original sin (read what Adam and Eve said after God confronted them in their sin). No one and I mean no one can possibly care for everyone in the right way.

5. God has gifted the church with gifts, talents and abilities to serve Him and His church (1 Corinthians 12:28). A Holy Spirit, God led church will use these gifts and will work like a human body as Paul explains. “Some” are given one type of gift, talent or ability while others have other types. If everyone were to use the very gifts God has given them, instead of being so concerned about people caring about themselves, imagine what a glorious church, a well-oiled machine of God could do for His kingdom and exalt the Name of Jesus Christ if we did what God has equipped us to do.

6. Jesus was very explicit in that there are wheat and tares. Sitting among us as He explained in the parable of the wheat and the tares in Matthew 13, are unbelievers as well as believers each Sunday when we sit in the pews. It is hard to distinguish the two at times, with the exception of knowing a tree by its fruit. Sometimes you just know when someone is saved. This should encourage us that even Jesus told us that the field right before us, including on Sundays, will have unsaved people that yes, need to be reached. Why aren’t we simply starting with what God puts right in front of us and look for someone who is new, a first-time attender, talk with them, welcome them, etc., instead of going right for our friends and those we already have a connection with. As a ladies Sunday School teacher, I’m always looking for women and families who are not regular attenders to welcome them and say hello and hopefully glean why God has brought them to His house of prayer. Just a few months ago, a first time attender (woman) was sitting behind me that I struck up a conversation with her and asked her point blank what brought her to our church. She was impressed learning that our Pastor was not afraid to preach on Revelation and I asked her if she would be interested in joining our ladies Sunday School class. I even went so far as to bring her to our classroom so that next week, she would know where to go without hesitation. She’s been a regular attender to both our Sunday School class and church. She said she feels welcome and right at home. Why? Because of one conversation and taking one little step. We must remember that God brings people and if EVERYONE would just take a few moments and look around and make a point to welcome new people (the field), they would begin to see the love we are to have for one another within the church….John 13:35 identifies those who are followers of Christ…that we love one another. We must extend love to others yes and wouldn’t it be wonderful if EVERYONE in the church extended that love to others while they are right there, before us? If we aren’t doing it while in His house of prayer, of course we’re not going to do it the other six days a week. The Bible is filled with divide and conquer principles. Imagine a church with 50 people could quickly become a church of 100 people under the Word of God if everyone just welcomed, invited, talked to, etc. Everyone has the ability to do this.

7. I always feel uncomfortable with people who are finger pointers, fault finders, grumblers and complainers. First, it causes me to have to self-examine and yes, that’s a tough one, but that’s what Jesus told us to do…take the plank out of our own eye first (Matthew 7:5). It is important to ask ourselves, do I CARE about other people and their well being and why they are no longer attending the church, or am I so steeped in my own finger pointing, grumbling and complaining that I’m missing what God has set before me, caring only about myself and not others?

Lastly, I would like to share this…I know that the whole pandemic has changed so much about how we go about our lives, what to do, where we go, etc. It truly has caused us all to contemplate our priorities. God should be our priority. He is to be first, moreover His Son, Jesus Christ, Who sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty, interceding on our behalf. His church is a blood bought church and perhaps what we have ALL lost sight of is that He is our first priority. Maybe we should simply go back to the first two of the 10 Commandments to find the answer that we all seek.

Christian · 05/29/2022 at 1:43 PM

I have believed in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit my entire life. I married into a pastor’s family and I have to say I have a little different take on this whole issue but agree as well. I have watched the church change over the years. Most churches have become worldly.

First people no longer put God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit first in their churches. They do not focus on the KJV which is the closest translation to the original Hebrew of God’s word, right after the 1611 Bible which most find hard to understand because they don’t want to really study the Bible. They want a watered down make me feel good don’t step on my toes version of the Bible.

You are right we are to love God and love others. Here’s the problem with love others I have found over the years. Yes God is for sinners but we must remember that when we accept Christ we are to change from our old selves and put on a new self. Meaning if we are doing a certain sin we are to change. I have found that we now accept people and we allow them to continue in their sin as not wanting to offend a certain group such as gays in church, a continuing alcolholic/drug addict or a person who is married and divorced multiple times. God’s word is clear we have to change ask for forgiveness but then we are to honor His gift by being an example by changing. We are to lay aside our sins. Does it mean we are perfect at all times no and that’s when we stop and pray asking for forgiveness. But to go to church and continue in one’s sin is wrong. We are not to allow others to tear down what God has built and freely gives us. God never changes the rules. He died for all the world but He requires something from us. Obedience.

The second reason I see is that the church has become a social event or club. You must have the same financial background, education, house, drive the right car etc to be welcome at some churches. It has become as bad as the world in having social economic standards these days. You know the poor, middle and upper class. We have become divided.

We have allowed the world to enter our churches. I see children and teenagers (as well as their mothers) wearing trashy clothing to church. I see men lying and cheating on their wives and families. My family has always reached out to those who don’t change and point out God’s word to help them change.

The Church has become more interested in basketball and parties for kids and groups for this and that so much so that we don’t really spend time in God’s word to see what He says.

I have heard people say this sentence alot…I think God blah blah blah. Nope it is not what you think God thinks about any subject it is simple His thoughts are all in the Bible in black and white and most importantly RED from Jesus himself. The sermon on the mount is a great place for new christians to begin.

But let’s be clear on that day many will cry Lord Lord and He will say depart from me I never knew you. We have to change. Might I remind all who say I didn’t feel welcomed or cared for that there is a church somewhere that will make you feel welcomed but also remember that first and formost you are there to worship God not to be accepted or cared by others. What if we all truly prayed for our churches to change.

I implore you to pray, study, go and seek where God calls you to go and worship. Most importantly we are to worship, praise, love and honor God first. Maybe if we told the truth that’s in the Bible at church we could change the hearts of everyone. There is a hell and it is real.

Also the church has become a place of greed money rules many. As does politics. If we all talked as much about the love, grace and gift of Christ instead of our politics maybe our world really would change. We have to be the example of change. I have had people at church who didn’t like us I “covered them with kindness” and you know what the Bible says do good to them who hate you and in the end some instances took years they came around said I’m sorry and wow did the church change!

We are the church we can change the church. Don’t ever stop studing God’s word. God loves us and wants us to be obedient even if the others are not. Maybe if you don’t feel welcome at church this is an opportunity to invite others to attend and watch how it changes. Loving others can be hard we are all different and maybe sometimes it is us who have to change and God placed us there just for that very purpose to change that church!

Never stop loving and honoring God. Don’t give up your seat in Heaven. Hold on to Him and pray for others to change.

Great post and by the way if this seems rambling well maybe I’ve been sick lately so just forgive my poor skills today, thanks.

MISS A C PORTER · 11/12/2021 at 7:16 PM

Hi, I just want say, I left my church, of 48 years after I became seriously ill, and subsequently disabled. Unfortunately wheelchairs come with tyre tracks and scratched paintwork and yes, I most definitely felt rejected and despised, but, I just want to encourage you, after 2 years of being afraid to join a church in case I wasn’t wanted I joined another, different type of fellowship. And do you know the first day as a member I only got as far as the lobby, before a little old lady came up to me beaming saying’ now I can say you’re my sister. And, you are wanted’ I don’t see how she could have said that without the Lord prompting her. But He heals broken hearts. Just show Hiis love and thankyou. I hope this encourages you.Alison, Uk

Summer · 06/18/2019 at 2:04 PM

I have to disagree with this. For my own personal reasons.
You are right on how people base their church experience on how they“feel”. This is true. Unfortunately.. People are so focused on how the pastor, pastors wife, church members etc are treating them and that is way off from what we should really be thinking..
Our primary goal is to be “filled” when we attend service. We are only to be looking for Gods word and teaching from the pastor/ teacher.
The reason people get hurt and discouraged is because they are living by their emotions and expecting others to lift them up spiritually, when that is impossible. That comes from God alone. Through bible doctrine. 1 John 1:9 says we are to name our sins and be filled with the spirit.
The Bible doesn’t speak of attending every service with the expectations of feeling comfortable or loved or welcome. Yes those things help but it should not be our reason for attending.
I find most churches today to be a huge distraction from the Word and gets everyone off track. That’s what leads to emotional thinking, hurt feelings and people just seeming to simply quit.
I was in search of for so long a place to hear and learn bible doctrine to apply to my life. All I have ever gotten in my 42 years of “church life” was estatics, legalism and a ton of guilt tripping. None of this is biblical.
We are here as believers to learn the Word and then from there, witness to unbelievers.
But we can only go so far, then that’s when the Holy Spirit works.
You can’t sit in a church three times a week and expect to get all you need spiritually if you are not being taught true and sound bible doctrine.
I hope to not sound harsh, it’s just that I too have been counted as a “backslider”, or “sinner” out of church because I choose to stay home and listen to my right pastor teacher on DVD, CD and books.
I’ve learned more this way than I have in my entire life. I hope to help someone with this who has possibly been mislead into thinking that all you do is show up, sit in church wait on people to welcome you, shake your hand, check on you.. it’s much more than that but also much simpler..

Carol Parsons · 05/26/2019 at 7:07 PM

Wow, Melanie, this article fits right into the same idea as my book that is coming out this fall. Called Living the Great Commission. It is so cool how you are like the 3rd person in just the last week that I have run across with almost the same message. God is obviously telling us all the same thing. Praise God.

Christina · 05/08/2019 at 10:00 AM

I believe 90% of the people do so not because of theology issues, but because of how they fill while they are there. Do they feel welcome, do the feel appreciated? Do they know that no matter what stage of their walk they are in, that they are accepted for who they are? – Bottom line if they dont feel comfortable, they wont be back, however, make them feel like its “home” and they will bring friends next week….

Gretchen Fleming · 02/25/2018 at 12:38 PM

Such a great piece Melanie! Thank you for your research and time you put into this. Your conclusion and suggestions are so helpful!! Really going to ponder this am doing work it into a lifestyle change

Joy · 03/03/2017 at 5:34 PM

In the near 24 years that my husband have been married, the past 5 months is about 4.5 longer than we have not been to church, mostly for the exact reasons you have listed. My perspectives differ from those of many, influenced by 35 years of nursing. Church members don’t have the answers for everyone, and they are quick to ostracize those brave enough to vocalize what they think. So, so sick of being excluded because I am not believed to be Christian.

G Wiliams · 01/01/2017 at 2:12 PM

This article really piqed my interest. Other than basic survival, the need to feel a sense of belonging is a primary psychological/emotional need. From my own observations, I see too many cliques in the church. Examples: the teacher clique, the clique of parents with students in a certain school, the clique of folks that live in certain types of neighborhoods, and the list goes on. I see this somewhat less with the older members. For a new younger married couple or one trying to get back to church, being excluded is hurtful. Conversations revolve around the outside of the church activites of the clique. These people are often less than friendly outside the walls of the church . I even had a family member who was a deacon and had been in the family for years comment to me at a family function after hearing me talk to someone else, “I did not know you did not have any brothers or sisters.” The person had been in the family a decade. I am too old to be offended, but was surprised as it showed that people can live in their own small worlds and really not try to get to know others. It takes more than a smile, a hello, and glad you are here to truly make others, feel a sense of belonging.

Anne · 11/09/2016 at 2:07 AM

In my experience, people usually leave because of the judgmental nature of many churches, or just boredom – you hardly ever find anything intellectually interesting or new at all.

Suzi · 06/12/2016 at 6:36 AM

As a mature woman of God, I left my home church after 14 years of sitting in the pews, asking for help in an abusive marriage, and before that and even during that time, offering to help in the areas of gifting…only to be shut down. IN the end I was tired…dejected and and felt like I no longer belonged. It has been over 5 years since I’ve been going anywhere, and that due to chronic illness which I received only one offer of help for. Only 2 days ago , I cried with a dear friend about the hurt I am now feeling re the lack of care my children and I received. I’ve had to work through this process with the Father and this one true friend. I’m pretty disgusted! I’m not sure if I should say something to the leadership about this or not. Bless you for the article. ..Suzi

Gloria Doody · 01/09/2016 at 9:49 PM

One of the things we do in our chuch is the womens group is, I send greeting cards. “Thinking of you, Get well cards, Smpathy cards, Concrat, and Happy Birthday cards and Missing You” Signing them “your church family’ This seems to help and when people find out i’ts me sending the cards they are so thankful and express it, I always remind them i’t from all of us. Anyway Other ladies let me know who nees a card so we are all working togeather. It works. In our church Directory the Birthdays are listed so that is how I know when to send
birthday cards. This may help other churches.

Karen Roth (@ffpaws) · 09/11/2015 at 5:21 PM

For the past three years I have not even been able to attend our church due to high physical pain (I was just diagnosed yesterday with Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis, Spondylitis in my Spine and Osteoarthritis in my SI Joints and a Bone Tumor in my Left Hip) and to this day not a single person has even called, emailed, written, or even visited to check up on me. What makes this so bad is that five people even live in the same apartment complex as me.

Not long ago I visited someone who I thought was a friend from this church and was explaining how I was feeling like noone even cared about me and all I got in return was to, “Do not even go there”. I have not been back to this church even though my husband still attends the Men’s Group.

I want to go to another Church that has been very welcoming to me and kind to me. But my husband does not want to go to the one I want to go to so what should I do? I want to obey God and be submissive to my husband but I do not want to go to a church that does not even care about me.

Becky · 09/04/2015 at 6:08 AM

I have thought about this as well. I think this is so true. But I also think we as believers don’t realize the privilege we have to honor Him as we fellowship together. We have to be committed to a life after God or we won’t survive or be able to live out our purpose. The church of Acts was such an example we have forgotten about. The church service is to be busy entertaining or trying to follow a program while we have people sitting amongst us with real needs. Funny we are quick to give to all kinds of organizations, but won’t pay a bill for an elderly person sitting in our congregation or the single mom trying to make it, the person trying to stay clean. Why because we think they should suffer the consequences of their choices. We feed thousands outside our walls how about the ones inside?

Lisa Cornwell (@mummascribbles) · 07/06/2015 at 2:55 AM

It’s actually really interesting to read this. I don’t come from a religious family and am not religious myself. That said, the one thing I love about the idea of church is the community that it brings with it. I recently went to a church that was holding a family fun day and I loved talking to the people and to the minister, it felt like such a wonderful community. I felt like a bit of a fraud being there since I don’t believe but everyone was so welcoming, it didn’t seem to matter. I can imagine that it is not like this everywhere though and surely one of the most important parts is caring? I think in general, we all need to care about each other a little more, we have become a world of selfishness. Yes, lives are busy, we all have a million things going on, but really, there is enough time to show someone a little bit of care and appreciation. I think it gets you a long way in life. Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

Debbie Williamson · 06/26/2015 at 11:32 AM

This is so good. As a pastor’s wife, we often struggle with this dilemma — what to do about those who leave. And many leave hoping you’ll notice (not just anyone, but the Pastor and his wife) and when you don’t, they’re offended and mad. Tough stuff. But I love your CARE idea and I will be putting this to work the next time I think of someone who’s not around. Thank you!